Here I Am Again #91DaysofFitness

Day 1: Introduce yourself. Have you tried to get healthier in past? Why are you restarting?

Current Stats…*takes deep breath

Weight: 236.6 lbs

Neck: 17.5 inches

Bicep: 18.5 inches

Chest: 48 inches

Waist: 51.5 inces

Hips: 51 inches

Thighs: 18.5 inches

Here I am again, losing weight that I already lost but regained and I can’t help but think….WHY AM I HERE AGAIN? Truth be told, I have problems committing to things. I have plenty ideas and methods that are pretty much guaranteed to work. But I get easily discouraged. At 21, it’s pretty much time to squash that. I need to buckle down.

A huge factor these past few years have been depression. Its gotten to the point where I have trouble distinguishing where the depression ends and where my own laziness begins.

I desperately want to make a permanent change. I want to feel 100% comfortable in my own body. I’ll see my friends making changes and I become happy for them. I understand how much work it took them to get to that point. But I become disappointed in myself. Why shouldn’t I be able to do these things as well? Why can’t I be as successful? Why do I continue to sabotage myself? Its not just about the aesthetic of being slimmer. It’s about mental, physical and emotional health, all parts of the wellness I want to encompass. I find myself wondering where my energy has gone to.

I am here again because I have trouble staying accountable. I am here again because I let myself peak too early and I get too excited that I forgot to notice when I start to slip. I am here again because I try 70% of the time, but 30% of the time I make the wrong choices, and they’re big bad choices that I should have second guessed. I need to internalize that  I am worth the change. Being healthy isn’t a a punishment, its a chance for stability.

I keep using my fatness as a security blanket, I won’t try new things, I won’t go to places…I use it as a life jacket, At this point I won’t drown in the world but why lose the extra security?

I am here again because I love myself too much to give up.

I don’t care if I keep failing, I cannot afford to stop trying.

___

Watch my day 1 blog: Depression & Weight Loss

 

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